GROOMSDAY CLOCK IS BEING RE-SET

337 Days Left: "Congratulations"

After getting engaged, lots of people say "Congratulations." Why? All I did was spend more money then I have on an over-priced shiny finger cuff. People should say "Ouch" or "I'm sorry." Getting engaged is not "congratulations worthy." Getting a new 60" 3D HD TV, however...

Women congratulate each other because no woman wants to be alone, old, and  have to kill spiders by herself. For women, getting engaged is like acquiring an exterminator, security system, repair man, and sky-cap, all in one.

  "Congratulations" are in order when you first have sex with your girl, when you find out she's not actually pregnant (just bad sushi), when she is actually pregnant (when on purpose), and when you get a house with enough rooms for your single friends to freeload at. Other than that, let's all go easy on the CONGRATULATIONS.

"What are the odds he's also a Dirty Dancing buff?" 

338 Days Left: Mess with the Dress

I don't understand female fashion. I don't know what rompers are, who though high-waisted pants looked good on anyone who wasn't standing in flood waters. I have spent most of my life tryin to convince girls to take their clothes off, and I have spent little time actually caring about what they put on. When it comes to wedding clothes, I could care even less. If you looked at photos from 20 different weddings, you would have no idea who was at which wedding, because everyone looks the exact same. It's like a bunch of drunk penguins attempting to mate with women in puffy dresses.

The wedding dress may be the single dumbest piece of clothing ever invented (and that includes jorts, suspenders, and fanny packs). This one dress, that can only be worn one time, makes our women look like parade floats, costs more then everything in our closet combined, and leads to more boring conversations than CSPAN.

Any guy who has ever been a part of a wedding dress conversation is either very board or very very gay. I'd rather my future wife walked down the aisle in a bikini, so we could use that photo as a beramator to make sure things don't fall apart post wedding. I'm pretty sure the wedding dress was created to hide your bride, and add 20 lbs of ruffles to her ass, so you have no idea if she is slipping over the years.

Aside from all of the obvious cosmetic foolishness of a wedding dress, the thing involves more appointments then a sports car from the 30s. First fitting, seeking fitting, final fitting, day of fitting... I've worn hundreds of things in my life, ranging from suits to hollowen costumes, and never been fitted ever. But, this one dress gets stitched up more than Chaz Bono's genitles. I just don't get it...and according to my soon-to-be I "never will."

"Who Cares Bingo, anyone?"

339 Days Left: BRIDESMAIDS!

I'm not going to take full credit, but what are the odds that just a few weeks after this blog started, a wedding themed movie came out and is destroying at the box office? The major difference between Groomsday Clock and Bridesmaids (minus the fact that I am doing this for free), is that Groomsday Clock is written from a man's perspective, while Bridesmaids was written by women, for women (and P whipped guys). The point here is that no matter if you are a man or a women, on the big screen or in real life, weddings make funny shit happen. Case and point...

Earlier today I got an e-mail from the place that my future wife has brainwashed me into wanting to get married at (she didn't like my idea of the roller rink). The e-mail was a bill for the recent food tasting we had there. I know I ate a hell of a lot of food, but i had no idea until i saw it itemed and 20% added on top. I THOUGHT FOOD TASTINGS WERE FREE!!!!!!

Isn't this the one thing that women hold over us while we listen to flower hour, and agree to take a dance lesson. "Just wait 'til the food tasting. It's all of the food you've ever wanted...and it's free!"

I've got a $500 bill that says it isn't free. After looking into this matter, it turns out that to many hotels were getting burned by fake wedding couples who would scam a free tasting and then never return. Put that in the column of great ideas, i wish i had thought of first. What used to be hours of endless lobster tails and passed appetizers  for little more than a handshake is now ONE OF THE MOST EXPENSIVE MEALS I'VE EVER HAD. Had i known, i wouldn't have gone fourths on that truffle wrapped truffle full of caviar crusted gold pieces.

Wedding food is usually very expensive, and seldom very good. Most weddings i go to, end with me in some sort of fast food restaurant at 4AM feeling over dressed, and under fed. Can't we jut go with a 1920's theme wedding and hand out loafs of bread to all of the guests? I'd love to go on, but i have to find a second job to pay for that "free" tasting. 

"Till death or one of our nannies do us part." "I do."

340 Days Left: A New Week A New To Do List

This past weekend was pretty much wedding free, but I have jam packed fun-filled wedding week ahead. ("Jam-packed fun-filled" probably means exhausting. Putting over a year of planning into one night is like spending an entire year learning how to play the piano, and then playing one song, and being done with it. But, who am i to argue with this process? That's right, i'm the guy with the wedding blog. Check back later this week for updates on band selection, food, and the all important... wedding color scheme (or color scam, as it should be called). 

"I hope she's not that furry down there."

343 Days Left: What He is Really Thinking?

"I hope this fishy smell is coming from the ocean"

"I will never look back and regret this phase of my life"

"These cats look delicious" 

"I'm so glad she went with the colors white and poop."

"I got dibs on my cousin."

"You think this weather is miserable, just wait til your married."  

" I thought the teal shoes would distract from my fat wife." 

"How long do I have to pretend to dance until she'll blow me?"

"I probably could have bought a 60" TV with this money."

"I can't wait to read your sign when we're having gay sex later."

345 Days Left: I Had a Dream

I may not be nearly as historically significant as Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., however, I too have dreams, and last night was a doozy. As I was laying beside my future bride (who wears ear plugs to avoid my snoring), I was Inception layer 5 deep into a dream about my wedding. Everyone was there, even all of the friends who i won't invite. As I was walking down the aisle, i tripped, and fell into a black hole. As I was falling through this dark endless tunnel, I awoke. Weird?

It got me thinking that if you can't die in a dream, and you can't get married in a dream... is it one in the same? Not that marriage is the same thing as getting run over by a truck (one is virtually painless), but that your single self does die the moment you get hitched. Many of my married friends are happy, (others are already divorced... and even happier), but there is always something slightly different about them. It's like eating at a McDonald's in America verses in another country. All of the ingredients are pretty much the same, but it just tastes slightly different.

I don't want my single self to die. I like my single self. Is it possible to be married, yet single at the same time? I'm not talking about just sex, but that twinkle in your [single] penis, the way you walk, talk, drink, hang-out. Does it all disappear on the wedding day? At the risk of sounding like that horsey chick from Sex in The City, how can a man keep his single spirit alive, while being married? That will be my ultimate goal...that, and never referencing Sex in the city again...ever.

Tonight Mr. Wiggles will be the transportation & the entrée. 

346 Days Left: Friends with (wedding) Benefits?

"Friends" can mean many different things to many different people. To some, it's a person who will give you a ride to the airport without asking for $50. To others, it's a crappy TV show staring Courtney Cox. To me, a friend is someone who i never have to see, talk to, e-mail, visit, or send gifts to.

During this countdown to my wedding, i have to constantly evaluate and reevaluate who are my friends, and who are my wedding-worthy friends. Even after I decide who I like enough to buy a $200 dinner for, I then have to go a step further and decide are they good enough friends to let them bring a date (hooker), or are they such good friends that I give them a fancy title like "Groomsman" and a colorful chest flower? Every friend, co-worker, acquittance, ect.  falls into one list or another.

And, I hate having to make lists...and here's why:
1. It feels like homework
2. I have ADD
3. I wonder what I am having for lunch today.
...wait a minute, I'm making a list right now.

I am at the point right now, where I am looking for reasons to not like people, so I can cut them without feeling bad about it. Sure, I've known Tom since 1985, but he borrowed my bike in 7th grade and kept it for 2 hours longer than he said, so fuck him, he's off the list.

The other problem with placing a wedding value on your friends, is that I have many more of them than my future wife (as you know from my previous post, I hate the word "fiancée"). That being said, I have to cut my A listers while she's scraping the bottom of her D list. "Sorry, (fraternity brother), but my wife filled your seat with her FORMER MANICURIST,  Ching.

Once, we get through all the obligatory invites, I think I get to bring 1 or 2 people. My friends? No, because they are such good friends, I know that they'd rather do nothing, then strap on a cumber bun and throw rice at me.  

"Does this haircut make me look gay?" 

347 Days Left: Man Rings

My future wife explained to me earlier today, that she was "saving up" to get me a "nice" wedding ring. You would think with all the expenses and bull shit we have to put up with, we'd get something a little better than a ring. Rings and guys don't mix, unless the ring is for winning the Super-bowl, or the guy is "Italian" by profession.

I know some people (women) think that the ring is more than just a piece of jewelry.  It's a "symbol of everlasting love" or "a circle of trust" or "an over-priced washer." Fact of the matter is... it's just a piece of jewelry; and as much as you think that us wearing it will keep other women away like one of those electric dog fences, it actually brings them closer, like one of those delicious dog treats.

Since i am not married yet, (only 347 days), i am using my skills of deductive reasoning, but wouldn't it make more sense for women to buys guys something that we actually want, that would keep women away, like sweatpants?

My accountant (who i think is divorced multiple times) says that there are 3 rings involved in a marriage:
1. Engagement Ring
2. Wedding Rings
3. Suffering.

Gotta go. Phone Ring.

VS.

350 Days Left: Tastes Like Chicken

Planning a wedding menu is about as much fun, as taking said menu and giving yourself multiple paper-cuts between your fingers, and then rubbing lemon sorbet on them... which won't be a problem. since you just agreed to have a sorbet bar at your wedding dinner. It's painful enough to come up with passed hor-dourves, appetizers, soups, salads, meal, desserts, ect, without also having to come up with an option for all of your guests who are vegetarian, vegan, kosher, lactose intolerant, have a peanut allergy, sensitivity to gluten, or are just difficult for the sake of being difficult.

In a perfect wedding world, everyone would just get a giant bowl of mystery food, and the waiter would just tell people what they wanted/needed to hear. "This is tofu from Bangladesh, with a peanut-free broth, and was prepared by an army of rabbis from Israel who also hate gluten. Enjoy."

It used to be "Chicken or Fish?" Then it became "Beef, Chicken, or Fish?" These days, it's like you have to come up with 10 different options involving every possible dietary restriction any of your guests or their free-loading dates may possibly have. I'd prefer to go with a SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST mentality. If a guest at my wedding easts a piece of sushi that kills them an hour later while they are cabbage-patching on the dance floor, then it's probably for the betterment of society... and my brunch count the next morning.

351 Days Left: Wedding Magazines Blow

It blows my mind, just how many of these Wedding magazines exist. I know this because every single one of them is in my apartment. If 50% of all of the people getting married are guys, then how come 100%  of wedding magazines are for women? Oh that's right, because we don't care.

In a day and age where long running magazines are going out of business everyday, it seems like there are more of these paper-wasters around then ever. I've flipped through a few of these, just to see what all the fuss was about, and I've noticed a few things.

1. Who the hell is paying $15 for a magazine that doesn't offer any sexual gratification?  Women! The cheapest one of these things I could find was $9.99 ($8.99 CAN). I know that in the scheme of planning a wedding it is a very small price to pay, but since the average bride-to-be buys like 50 of these things, that's $500 worth of wasted coin.

2. They are all the exact same. I'm pretty sure that some mad genius came up with a way to repackage the same 200 pages of photos, adds, and "funny" wedding stories, and re-sell this crap to the same vulnerable bride, over and over and over again. Great scam. I only wish i had thought of it. 

3. They never make the women in these magazines too hot. Once again, good for the ladies, bad for us guys who get stuck flipping through one of these on the can. This is another calculated move so that the lady buying these doesn't feel threatened. I'll assume in the modeling world being a "wedding mag model" is only a step above being a picture frame model or hand model.

4. All of the "tips to spice up your honeymoon" are clearly written by women, because not one of your ideas involving "vanilla candles" or "strip poetry" turn me on. If you need to fill pages of your magazines that badly, just through in a few more ads for "The New Mrs. ________ Underwear."

5. Speaking of ads, these mags are 99% full of them. It's pre-wedding propaganda. If your woman reads enough of these, her mind will be filled with lacy crap she all of the sudden "needs."

If at all possible, avoid the wedding mag industry at all costs... and costly it is.

"Where is my issue of Monster Bride Monthly?" 

352 Days Left: Royal (pain in the ass) Wedding

Watching Cap'N Crunch get married last week had me thinking about my impending nuptials. My first thought was that if a real life Prince (and/or cereal millionaire) can give up a life of ladies, freedom, and crunch-berries,  then why couldn't I?

Every woman dreams of getting married, because that day, they get to feel like a princess. Every guy, envies single life so they can live like a prince. People always say stupid shit like "the grass is always greener" when describing how single people and married people envy each other, but the truth is, both sides have their advantages and disadvantages (like that red blazer for example). I mean, unless, he won some sort of gay golf tournament called "The Assters" I don't get it.

As I inch closer to my own Groomsday, here are some of the PROs I can find in both patches of green grass.

MARRIED PROS
1. Have a built in excuse to get out of all other stuff ("I'd love to, but my wife is allergic to charity.")
2. Other women find you more attractive
3. No longer have to focus on getting laid all of the time...or at all.
4. Start taking up hobbies that get you out of the house for long periods of time (Golf, space travel)
5. Start a blog about the marriage process to avoid having real conversation.

SINGLE PROS
1. Everything

So, as you can see, there are more pros to being married (5) than being single (1). Besides, if a Prince can give up all of that Prince-Ass he was getting for one Princess's ass, then how bad can it be?

353 Days Left: Sign here, here, and Initial here.

Other than a few fights about venue, food, rehearsal dinner, weather, my drunk friends, her lack of slutty friends, and an incident with a jet ski, I'd say the trip to Mexico was a moderate success. It's truly mind boggling just how many meetings can be set up, and how many decisions actually need to be made. Up until now the only decisions i ever had to make involving a wedding was "red or white wine, sir?" And, that's not even much of a decision, since the only people who drink white wine are ladies or guys who still legally can't get married in most states.

I have a sick feeling in my stomach, and I don't think I can blame it on Mexico's water filtration system. Now, that places have been selected, and contracts have been signed, it has gone to a new level of "oh shit...this is actully going to happen."

It's the same feeling you get when you realize you are finally going to have sex with a girl for the first time... Only the exact opposite.

Up until now, even after dropping way too much on a ring, everything felt very much the same (minus my savings account). Now, with deposits in play, the game has changed. It's gone from a preseason Minor league game to game 7 in the world series. I have a feeling I won't be getting any fast balls down the middle for a while.

354 Days Left: I do?

I'm sitting here in Mexico, doing my best to avoid the violent drug cartels, while at the same time looking for a tourist-friendly drug dealer. But, that is not the primary reason for my visit. I am here because this is the spot that I will now force my friends and family to travel to, just to see me get married, and eat overpriced cake. I feel guilty having a destination wedding, because I know how I feel when I get that invitation in the mail. I go through this exact inner monologue:

1. He's getting married?
2. Whats her last name? I guess I don't know either of them very well.
3. It's in (tropical destination)
4. Cool
5. That's $2,000 easily
6. What good are my frequent flier miles for anyway?
7. Need an excuse.
8. Fuck it, where's my Amex?

It's the original 8 step wedding boogie. Sorry in advance for making my friends dance.

355 Days Left: Save the Date.

I know that 90% of wedding "must haves" are bullshit add on fees that suckers like you and me get roped into just going along with. However, there may be no bigger waste of money and trees then those stupid SAVE THE DATE cards. It would be like calling someone just to let them know that you will be calling them again soon.

I don't know who makes a living out of writing in coligrifi, but this whole SAVE THE DATE nonsense is keeping their limp writs afloat.

Id rather just receive an extra $5 included in my wedding invitation, rather than another fancy post card to hang on my already over crowded fridge door. I know that wedding addvicates will argue that a save the date is important to give potential guests plenty of time to book flights, get hotels, come up with excuses as to why they "can't" attend, ect, however, if we all accept this save the date as a necessary step in the process, then when will it ever stop?

Save the date for the save the date?

Save the year?

How about saving us all some money, and just be surprised when the invitation comes in the mail, like god and the postmaster general intended.

ON that (postage free) note, I'm off to look at Save The Date Cards. Yes!

356: Days Lefts: Lazy in Mexico

One of the perks of getting married somewhere tropical, is that you get to go there a few times to (insert made up meeting here). Today, I am writing this from Mexico. My girl felt that it was of the upmost importance to come as close to the actual date of our wedding, so that she could check 1321 possible weather conditions that could effectb her hair. She's like one of those storm chasers from the movie Twister, but only collects info on how her hair will be effected.

I on the other hand got the same $18 hair cut I have gotten since I was 15, and as it turns out, no weather has ever effected my locks. I'll check back in from Mexico between the meetings, drinkings, and meetings about drinkings. ADIOS!

357 Days Left: Why I Don't Like Weddings

How does anything with tons of free booze, trays overflowing with snacks and an increased chance of getting laid still suck so bad? It’s a question that can keep you up nights. In the past year, I’ve been to over a dozen weddings (most of them I was even invited to). Friends, family, co-workers, neighbors and complete strangers all felt the need to make me part of their “special day.” And, like the sucker that I am, I fell for it; not once, not twice, but 14 times since this time last year.

Getting a wedding invitation is like getting a $1,000 calligraphy inscribed bill in the mail. Except, when I pay this bill, I don’t get a bunch of points that I can cash in for airline tickets (to go to more damn weddings). The concept of a wedding is great: get a bunch of friends in a room with multiple bars, live music and horny aunts. But, somewhere between the conceptualizing and the flying bouquet of flowers, all weddings end up pretty much the same…horrible.

Here are seven reasons why all weddings stink, even if they have an open bar.

1. The Dress Code

Tuxedos look good on international spies and waiters (and puppies, apparently). There is a reason that no man in history lounges around the house in a tuxedo on Sunday: They are not comfortable. I’m not even talking about the rental wool deal with the pre-stained pants and ill-fitting jacket. My tux is the most expensive piece of clothing in my closet, which makes perfect sense for something that I wear the least and hate putting on.

All weddings have some stupid dress code attached, usually in fine print on the invitation. “Black-Tie Optional,” “Beach Chic,” “Glamorous Attire,” etc. How about “You’re going to spend $1000 to come here, so wear what you find most comfortable while shoving mini crab cakes down your throat” instead? The dress code gets even worse if you are “lucky” enough to be in the wedding party. Then, you get to dress exactly like seven other idiots.

2. The Band

Even “good” wedding bands are not nearly as good as the bands they cover. Sure I can appreciate the work that goes into harmonizing a Lady Gaga song, but I wouldn’t pay to see Miss Gaga in person. So why would I want to see four middle-aged men singing about a poker face?

Historically, wedding bands get a bad rap, but don’t feel too bad for these wanna-glees. In addition to getting to eat what the guests eat, they can make a few hundred grand a year easily. Wedding bands are technically “bands,” but lack all of the cool things that make being in a band worth while. Ever see a wedding band groupie? Exactly. Plus, the overzealous band leader is always trying to drag your ass onto the dance floor when all you want to do is figure out if the bride’s sister is single…and legal.

3. The Dancing

Dancing is for chicks, gay dudes, and John Travolta…so basically, it’s for chicks and gay dudes. It’s not even that the above mentioned band doesn’t motivate me to shake my moneymaker, as much as it is that most people look like complete fools dancing around. And, unlike a club (or discotheque for any Europeans reading this), a wedding dance floor is like a reject jambalaya, full of creepy uncles, 101-year-old grandparents and dangerous toddlers. I for one like to avoid this relative minefield and the accompanying lawsuit that could come with cabbage-patching someone’s great grandmother to death.

Plus, between the couple’s “first dance,” the “father-daughter dance,” the “mother-son dance,” and the “final dance,” weddings have become more like an audition for “So You Think You Can Dance?” then a party.

4. The Gift

Whoever said “there is no such thing as a free lunch,” had definitely been to a wedding. The days of giving $50 bread-makers and thoughtful gifts have gone the way of the virgin bride.

These days, when it comes to a “gift,” the only decision you have to make is cash or check (unless you are Italian, in which case that decision is already made for you). $100? $200? $500? It becomes pretty clear that the “open bar” I was looking forward to just became a cash bar of sorts.

No matter how many of these weddings I go to, I have no idea how much to give. On the bright side, I just bought myself a $300 “Thank You” note. Now if only my bookie accepted “Thank You” notes.

5. The Cake

Spending a few thousand dollars on a cake is like SPENDING A FEW THOUSAND DOLLARS ON A CAKE! I don’t care if my dessert is built like a skyscraper or comes out of a vending machine, but for some ungodly reason, the wedding cake has become more important than the groom.

If your cake is 9 feet tall, then how come the pieces are the size of broken Pringles? I never really eat the cake anyway, but I hate being told to “hurry, hurry they are about to cut the cake.” I didn’t need everyone to gather round when I was cutting into my filet. At 90% of the weddings I’ve been to, the slivers of cake are passed out and picked up so quickly that most people don’t even get a taste of that $10,000 tower of flour.

6. Assigned Seating

The only thing more uncomfortable than a rental cumber bun is making small talk with someone’s distant cousin that you are forced to sit next to for eight courses. Especially when you’ve run out of things to say after course two. Having a pre-assigned seat makes sense at things people actually want to go to like basketball games, concerts and monster truck rallies. At weddings, being stuck at “Table 7” can ruin your night before it even begins. Seats at a wedding should be decided NBA draft style. After all, I’d rather break bread with the freshly single niece from the University of Arizona than the perpetually single niece who is the size of Arizona.

Other than that I am very excited to tie the knot in 358 days.

358 Days Left: Wedding TV Takeover

I've noticed a few changes that have taken place since getting engaged. Primarily, I notice all of the women whom I can't have sex with anymore; but I've also noticed that my TIVO is full of a lot more wedding shows. My first thought is "who the hell would watch a show called 'Say Yes to The Dress'?" My second thought is "where is the delete button, and where is the season of Always Sunny I recorded?"

There are far too many wedding themed shows, movies, (blogs), ect. Don't we all have to go to enough of these things as is? Now, they have found a way to infiltrate my home and TIVO box too.

Between all the Bridezillas, and Wedding Cakeover shows, us guys are running out of patience, and more importantly, TIVO space. To be fair, I've never actually watched one of these shows, but I'm pretty sure I get the gist of it, and I dont like it. The real problem is that while these shows turn our TVs into mini wedding chapels, they also turn our future wives into WEDDING IDEA HOARDERS.

"On WEDDING WARS I saw this..."
"On I DO TO THE SHOE, I saw this..."
"On DATELINE: WEDDING NIGHT MURDER, I saw this..."

We get it. By the time you have to make up your mind about flowers or dresses or murder detectives, you've seen far too much of this stuff to make a timely decision.

Say Yes to the Dress... How about SAY NO TO THE SHOW!

359 Days Left: The word "fiancee" Stinks like French...

I love pretty much everything about my fiancee. I also HATE pretty much everything about the word "fiancee." Didn't we beat the French in enough wars that we can come up with an English word for "a chick you have promised not to cheat on anymore?" The world "fiancee" sounds so aristocratic and stuffy. This is not the royal wedding that I'm planning, nor is my girlfriend royalty, aside from occasionally being a royal pain in the ass.

Yet, it seems like when engaged guys refer to their future wife as anything other than "fiancee," they get the stink eye. Calling you my "girlfriend," "roomate," or "future ex-wife" should be at least partially acceptable.

I don't use the word "fiancee" to describe my girlfriend, in the same way I don't use the world "escargot" every time I see a snail crawling on the sidewalk. It is a stupid word just like "doilies" is for placemat, and "apple" is for a kid's name. Why can't us Americans come up with a better word for the woman who is going to be your wife? Pre-wife, wifeish, or Cock-Block are a good starting place.

I'm not so ethnocentric that I think we need to call French fries "freedom fries," or French toast "delicious," however, how about every time I introduce my pre-wife to someone, I don't need to sound like I'm going to a tea party on the Titanic (which may be a pretty good way to look at a wedding anyway).

360 Days Left: Steak or Fish or Aggravation?

I don't know what I am going to have for lunch today, and that's in the next hour. How am I supposed to know what I feel like eating 360 days from now for dinner? However, that it what I am supposed to be "thinking about" today, because apparently it takes a kitchen full of skilled chefs 350 days to make a steak and a cake on the same night. Why else would they need all of this information so soon?

The food aspect of the wedding was one of the parts i was looking forward to most. I have spent most of my single life using food and drinks to woo and seduce women, and I was looking forward to letting chefs, venues, and caterers, try to seduce me for a change. And, no better way to seduce this guy then with finger sized pigs in a blanket and expensive cuts of meat.

I thought this process of putting together a wedding menu was going to involve lots of people shoveling lots of delicious food into my mouth, while i lazily sat there and gave either a thumbs up or thumbs down (unless i was to lazy, in which case i would just grunt my approval). Unfortunately,  putting together a dinner for an army of friends takes at least a little effort, and a seemingly endless amount of time. So as I head out of here to eat my lunch, (still don't know what it will be), I'll be thinking about what I feel like eating in over 1,000 meal from now.

In case you are wondering, "food" was not an acceptable answer according to my fiancée. Bon Apatite!

Future gold medalist at the Mexican Olympics? 

361 Days Left: "Thank You"... Nots (would you like to buy a vowel?)

The idea of having to sit down and write a handwritten note on a piece over over priced stationary just to let a "friend" of mine know how much I appreciate the decorative vase they sent me, is almost as ludicrous as them thinking that I would actually like a decorative vase. Thank-You notes couldn't be any more obsolete if they were chiseled into a piece of stone or written by dipping a feather into a pool of ink. However, for some unknown reason everyone who gets married is expected to write hundreds of these things. I've been to enough weddings to know how "generous" my check was, or how "thoughtful" my preselected gift from a registry was.

Can't we just all agree that giving a gift shouldn't require the recipient (namely me) to have to reply with a formulaic thank-you note? 

I'm sitting here now with a list of gifts that i have received since getting engaged. Everything from a spice rack to a coffee maker to cash. My "job for the day" is to write a note to the family/friends who sent this stuff to let them know A) That I got it B)That i'll use it C)That I love it and D)That I cant wait to see them at the wedding. Then, all i have to do is plug in the name of the specific gift and repeat until the list in front of me is all crossed off. Should be simple enough, but I couldn't care less. It's not that i'm not appreciative of the gifts, or that i don't care for the people who sent them, it's just that the futile exercise of writing, stamping, and sending a note seems unnecessary. Below is what everyone who gets me anything will receive

Dear (Insert name here):

We really can't thank you enough for the (insert gift here). It is exactly what we ("wanted or "needed" depending on what it is) . We used it just this morning while (insert lie here). We are so excited to see you at the wedding, and thanks again for thinking of us.

Now, please act surprised when you open this in the mail.

362 Days Left: Avoid and Conquer

Today I was able to avoid most of the wedding talk by hiding on a golf course for 8 hours... 5 hours actually playing, and 3 more hours avoiding going home. I thought about stopping to get flowers on the way home but feared this could possibly trigger a 5 hour discussion on what flowers I wanted at the wedding. The truth is, the only thing I know about plants involves either marijuana or Chia Pets. If I had my way, there would be weed growing out of a clay animal on every table. Cheaper and more smokable than orchids.

I am already dreading tomorrow, when I promised to write a few thank you notes for some engagement gifts that have already been returned or broken. Check back then for some more pre wedding thoughts.

363 Days Left: Something Old, New, Borrowed, and Blue Balls

Back in the day, before people got married for legitimate reasons like love, or getting a green card, there was only one reason to get hitched... SEX. Sex is a prety good reason to do lots of things. From cross country flights to $200 sushi dinners, no distance is too far, and no piece of fish is too expensive, as long as it resulted in sex. In a different time, however, it took much more than good moves and/or good credit to get a "lady" in the sack. It took a wedding. Guys looked forward to getting married because it meant that they could start having sex. These days a wedding symbolizes the end of having sex...first with other women, and then eventually with your wife.

It sounds depressing, and maybe it is, but honeymoons are no longer weeklong sex fests, that take place after a ceromony, because your actuall honeymoon period was after your third date, when she finally did something that she "doesn't normally do so soon."

By the time I am legally married, I will have been with the same girl for over 6 years. That's like 60 years in human years. Point being, I don't expect anything to happen on the honeymoon that hasn't happened already. "Now that we are married, here is my third boob I've been saving for you." or "I've been saving my A game until we bilked our friends and family out of fine china."

I am not condoning saving yourself, nor am I implying that we lived in a better world when women had to wait to be married before they could be merry. I'm simply asking when that sex carrot isn't dangling in front of the groom's face, how the hell are we supposed to get down the aisle? Oh that's right, cake.

364 Days Left: The Pre-Anniversary?

I'm not even 24 hours into this little experiment, and I've messed up already. Shocker! Wedding Anniversaries, like the WNBA, were invented by women, for women, and only serve to make men angry. That being said, i at least understand the "significance" of them... It gives old couples something to brag about. But "Pre-Anniversaries?" !?!?!?!?! What kind of bull shit is that? Sounds like a made up holiday, like Secretaries Day or Rosh Hashanah. I'm not even married yet, and I already "forgot" an anniversary.

According to some people (women), The Pre-Anniversary is a special day to celebrate a year until you are officially married.  And, i thought that's what this blog was for. The way I look at it, there will be plenty of things that I will have to muster up fake excitement for. Does it really have to start with a made up holiday that was invented to celebrate another made up holiday?

The Pre-Anniversary falls into a long list of other "PRE"s that stink: PRE-season football, PRE-ejaculation, and PRE-paid cell phones. When did it become OK to celebrate stuff that hasn't happened yet? Women already except us to remember anniversaries of first dates, weddings, days they were born, ect. How are we supposed to also remember actual important dates like when Hangover 2 comes out (May 26th) or to TIVO The Miss Teen USA Pageant (March 11th)?

If any of you ever have to utter the phrase "Happy belated pre-anniversary," I feel for you. On the bright side, only 364 days left. Tic Toc.

A pre-historic pre-anniversary? 

365 Days Left: Let the Countdown Begin

Since my birth, I have been single for exactly 11,418 days, and I only have 365 left (maybe 366 if it's a leap year). Don't get me wrong; I'm excited about getting married, watching my creepy uncle dance with my friends, and getting a bunch of napkin holders that I'll never use, but I'm not so excited about the next 365 days: Fittings, tastings, meetings, fighting, registering, thanking, returning, ect. 


This process is supposed to prepare a couple for a "lifetime of decision making and compromise." I have a feeling, however, that like having prison sex with a large black man,  it's just going to be a giant pain in the ass.

And, lucky you [stranger on the inter-webs], you get to come with me every step of the way. From this moment until the moment I say "I do," you will get a man's perspective on everything from buying an overpriced cake, to cutting my guest list down based on which friends of mine will be most likely not to force sex on my sisters. 

If you are married (or divorced), you've been through this. If you are single (or dating), you'll go through this eventually. If you are gay (or bi-curious), consider yourself lucky that you may never have to go through this. And, if you are my future wife, thank you for letting me share this experience with millions and/or seven people.

365 days until I am officially "off the market." Nights of eating Hot Pockets at 2am for dinner will be replaced with 8pm 5 course meals consisting of foods like baby spinach and pine nuts. Yippee! As, I said before, I am excited about getting married, it's the next year that scares the shit out of me...

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