GROOMSDAY CLOCK IS BEING RE-SET

337 Days Left: "Congratulations"

After getting engaged, lots of people say "Congratulations." Why? All I did was spend more money then I have on an over-priced shiny finger cuff. People should say "Ouch" or "I'm sorry." Getting engaged is not "congratulations worthy." Getting a new 60" 3D HD TV, however...

Women congratulate each other because no woman wants to be alone, old, and  have to kill spiders by herself. For women, getting engaged is like acquiring an exterminator, security system, repair man, and sky-cap, all in one.

  "Congratulations" are in order when you first have sex with your girl, when you find out she's not actually pregnant (just bad sushi), when she is actually pregnant (when on purpose), and when you get a house with enough rooms for your single friends to freeload at. Other than that, let's all go easy on the CONGRATULATIONS.

"What are the odds he's also a Dirty Dancing buff?" 

338 Days Left: Mess with the Dress

I don't understand female fashion. I don't know what rompers are, who though high-waisted pants looked good on anyone who wasn't standing in flood waters. I have spent most of my life tryin to convince girls to take their clothes off, and I have spent little time actually caring about what they put on. When it comes to wedding clothes, I could care even less. If you looked at photos from 20 different weddings, you would have no idea who was at which wedding, because everyone looks the exact same. It's like a bunch of drunk penguins attempting to mate with women in puffy dresses.

The wedding dress may be the single dumbest piece of clothing ever invented (and that includes jorts, suspenders, and fanny packs). This one dress, that can only be worn one time, makes our women look like parade floats, costs more then everything in our closet combined, and leads to more boring conversations than CSPAN.

Any guy who has ever been a part of a wedding dress conversation is either very board or very very gay. I'd rather my future wife walked down the aisle in a bikini, so we could use that photo as a beramator to make sure things don't fall apart post wedding. I'm pretty sure the wedding dress was created to hide your bride, and add 20 lbs of ruffles to her ass, so you have no idea if she is slipping over the years.

Aside from all of the obvious cosmetic foolishness of a wedding dress, the thing involves more appointments then a sports car from the 30s. First fitting, seeking fitting, final fitting, day of fitting... I've worn hundreds of things in my life, ranging from suits to hollowen costumes, and never been fitted ever. But, this one dress gets stitched up more than Chaz Bono's genitles. I just don't get it...and according to my soon-to-be I "never will."

"Who Cares Bingo, anyone?"

339 Days Left: BRIDESMAIDS!

I'm not going to take full credit, but what are the odds that just a few weeks after this blog started, a wedding themed movie came out and is destroying at the box office? The major difference between Groomsday Clock and Bridesmaids (minus the fact that I am doing this for free), is that Groomsday Clock is written from a man's perspective, while Bridesmaids was written by women, for women (and P whipped guys). The point here is that no matter if you are a man or a women, on the big screen or in real life, weddings make funny shit happen. Case and point...

Earlier today I got an e-mail from the place that my future wife has brainwashed me into wanting to get married at (she didn't like my idea of the roller rink). The e-mail was a bill for the recent food tasting we had there. I know I ate a hell of a lot of food, but i had no idea until i saw it itemed and 20% added on top. I THOUGHT FOOD TASTINGS WERE FREE!!!!!!

Isn't this the one thing that women hold over us while we listen to flower hour, and agree to take a dance lesson. "Just wait 'til the food tasting. It's all of the food you've ever wanted...and it's free!"

I've got a $500 bill that says it isn't free. After looking into this matter, it turns out that to many hotels were getting burned by fake wedding couples who would scam a free tasting and then never return. Put that in the column of great ideas, i wish i had thought of first. What used to be hours of endless lobster tails and passed appetizers  for little more than a handshake is now ONE OF THE MOST EXPENSIVE MEALS I'VE EVER HAD. Had i known, i wouldn't have gone fourths on that truffle wrapped truffle full of caviar crusted gold pieces.

Wedding food is usually very expensive, and seldom very good. Most weddings i go to, end with me in some sort of fast food restaurant at 4AM feeling over dressed, and under fed. Can't we jut go with a 1920's theme wedding and hand out loafs of bread to all of the guests? I'd love to go on, but i have to find a second job to pay for that "free" tasting. 

"Till death or one of our nannies do us part." "I do."

340 Days Left: A New Week A New To Do List

This past weekend was pretty much wedding free, but I have jam packed fun-filled wedding week ahead. ("Jam-packed fun-filled" probably means exhausting. Putting over a year of planning into one night is like spending an entire year learning how to play the piano, and then playing one song, and being done with it. But, who am i to argue with this process? That's right, i'm the guy with the wedding blog. Check back later this week for updates on band selection, food, and the all important... wedding color scheme (or color scam, as it should be called). 

"I hope she's not that furry down there."

343 Days Left: What He is Really Thinking?

"I hope this fishy smell is coming from the ocean"

"I will never look back and regret this phase of my life"

"These cats look delicious" 

"I'm so glad she went with the colors white and poop."

"I got dibs on my cousin."

"You think this weather is miserable, just wait til your married."  

" I thought the teal shoes would distract from my fat wife." 

"How long do I have to pretend to dance until she'll blow me?"

"I probably could have bought a 60" TV with this money."

"I can't wait to read your sign when we're having gay sex later."

345 Days Left: I Had a Dream

I may not be nearly as historically significant as Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., however, I too have dreams, and last night was a doozy. As I was laying beside my future bride (who wears ear plugs to avoid my snoring), I was Inception layer 5 deep into a dream about my wedding. Everyone was there, even all of the friends who i won't invite. As I was walking down the aisle, i tripped, and fell into a black hole. As I was falling through this dark endless tunnel, I awoke. Weird?

It got me thinking that if you can't die in a dream, and you can't get married in a dream... is it one in the same? Not that marriage is the same thing as getting run over by a truck (one is virtually painless), but that your single self does die the moment you get hitched. Many of my married friends are happy, (others are already divorced... and even happier), but there is always something slightly different about them. It's like eating at a McDonald's in America verses in another country. All of the ingredients are pretty much the same, but it just tastes slightly different.

I don't want my single self to die. I like my single self. Is it possible to be married, yet single at the same time? I'm not talking about just sex, but that twinkle in your [single] penis, the way you walk, talk, drink, hang-out. Does it all disappear on the wedding day? At the risk of sounding like that horsey chick from Sex in The City, how can a man keep his single spirit alive, while being married? That will be my ultimate goal...that, and never referencing Sex in the city again...ever.

Tonight Mr. Wiggles will be the transportation & the entrée. 

346 Days Left: Friends with (wedding) Benefits?

"Friends" can mean many different things to many different people. To some, it's a person who will give you a ride to the airport without asking for $50. To others, it's a crappy TV show staring Courtney Cox. To me, a friend is someone who i never have to see, talk to, e-mail, visit, or send gifts to.

During this countdown to my wedding, i have to constantly evaluate and reevaluate who are my friends, and who are my wedding-worthy friends. Even after I decide who I like enough to buy a $200 dinner for, I then have to go a step further and decide are they good enough friends to let them bring a date (hooker), or are they such good friends that I give them a fancy title like "Groomsman" and a colorful chest flower? Every friend, co-worker, acquittance, ect.  falls into one list or another.

And, I hate having to make lists...and here's why:
1. It feels like homework
2. I have ADD
3. I wonder what I am having for lunch today.
...wait a minute, I'm making a list right now.

I am at the point right now, where I am looking for reasons to not like people, so I can cut them without feeling bad about it. Sure, I've known Tom since 1985, but he borrowed my bike in 7th grade and kept it for 2 hours longer than he said, so fuck him, he's off the list.

The other problem with placing a wedding value on your friends, is that I have many more of them than my future wife (as you know from my previous post, I hate the word "fiancée"). That being said, I have to cut my A listers while she's scraping the bottom of her D list. "Sorry, (fraternity brother), but my wife filled your seat with her FORMER MANICURIST,  Ching.

Once, we get through all the obligatory invites, I think I get to bring 1 or 2 people. My friends? No, because they are such good friends, I know that they'd rather do nothing, then strap on a cumber bun and throw rice at me.  

"Does this haircut make me look gay?" 

347 Days Left: Man Rings

My future wife explained to me earlier today, that she was "saving up" to get me a "nice" wedding ring. You would think with all the expenses and bull shit we have to put up with, we'd get something a little better than a ring. Rings and guys don't mix, unless the ring is for winning the Super-bowl, or the guy is "Italian" by profession.

I know some people (women) think that the ring is more than just a piece of jewelry.  It's a "symbol of everlasting love" or "a circle of trust" or "an over-priced washer." Fact of the matter is... it's just a piece of jewelry; and as much as you think that us wearing it will keep other women away like one of those electric dog fences, it actually brings them closer, like one of those delicious dog treats.

Since i am not married yet, (only 347 days), i am using my skills of deductive reasoning, but wouldn't it make more sense for women to buys guys something that we actually want, that would keep women away, like sweatpants?

My accountant (who i think is divorced multiple times) says that there are 3 rings involved in a marriage:
1. Engagement Ring
2. Wedding Rings
3. Suffering.

Gotta go. Phone Ring.

VS.

350 Days Left: Tastes Like Chicken

Planning a wedding menu is about as much fun, as taking said menu and giving yourself multiple paper-cuts between your fingers, and then rubbing lemon sorbet on them... which won't be a problem. since you just agreed to have a sorbet bar at your wedding dinner. It's painful enough to come up with passed hor-dourves, appetizers, soups, salads, meal, desserts, ect, without also having to come up with an option for all of your guests who are vegetarian, vegan, kosher, lactose intolerant, have a peanut allergy, sensitivity to gluten, or are just difficult for the sake of being difficult.

In a perfect wedding world, everyone would just get a giant bowl of mystery food, and the waiter would just tell people what they wanted/needed to hear. "This is tofu from Bangladesh, with a peanut-free broth, and was prepared by an army of rabbis from Israel who also hate gluten. Enjoy."

It used to be "Chicken or Fish?" Then it became "Beef, Chicken, or Fish?" These days, it's like you have to come up with 10 different options involving every possible dietary restriction any of your guests or their free-loading dates may possibly have. I'd prefer to go with a SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST mentality. If a guest at my wedding easts a piece of sushi that kills them an hour later while they are cabbage-patching on the dance floor, then it's probably for the betterment of society... and my brunch count the next morning.

351 Days Left: Wedding Magazines Blow

It blows my mind, just how many of these Wedding magazines exist. I know this because every single one of them is in my apartment. If 50% of all of the people getting married are guys, then how come 100%  of wedding magazines are for women? Oh that's right, because we don't care.

In a day and age where long running magazines are going out of business everyday, it seems like there are more of these paper-wasters around then ever. I've flipped through a few of these, just to see what all the fuss was about, and I've noticed a few things.

1. Who the hell is paying $15 for a magazine that doesn't offer any sexual gratification?  Women! The cheapest one of these things I could find was $9.99 ($8.99 CAN). I know that in the scheme of planning a wedding it is a very small price to pay, but since the average bride-to-be buys like 50 of these things, that's $500 worth of wasted coin.

2. They are all the exact same. I'm pretty sure that some mad genius came up with a way to repackage the same 200 pages of photos, adds, and "funny" wedding stories, and re-sell this crap to the same vulnerable bride, over and over and over again. Great scam. I only wish i had thought of it. 

3. They never make the women in these magazines too hot. Once again, good for the ladies, bad for us guys who get stuck flipping through one of these on the can. This is another calculated move so that the lady buying these doesn't feel threatened. I'll assume in the modeling world being a "wedding mag model" is only a step above being a picture frame model or hand model.

4. All of the "tips to spice up your honeymoon" are clearly written by women, because not one of your ideas involving "vanilla candles" or "strip poetry" turn me on. If you need to fill pages of your magazines that badly, just through in a few more ads for "The New Mrs. ________ Underwear."

5. Speaking of ads, these mags are 99% full of them. It's pre-wedding propaganda. If your woman reads enough of these, her mind will be filled with lacy crap she all of the sudden "needs."

If at all possible, avoid the wedding mag industry at all costs... and costly it is.

"Where is my issue of Monster Bride Monthly?" 

352 Days Left: Royal (pain in the ass) Wedding

Watching Cap'N Crunch get married last week had me thinking about my impending nuptials. My first thought was that if a real life Prince (and/or cereal millionaire) can give up a life of ladies, freedom, and crunch-berries,  then why couldn't I?

Every woman dreams of getting married, because that day, they get to feel like a princess. Every guy, envies single life so they can live like a prince. People always say stupid shit like "the grass is always greener" when describing how single people and married people envy each other, but the truth is, both sides have their advantages and disadvantages (like that red blazer for example). I mean, unless, he won some sort of gay golf tournament called "The Assters" I don't get it.

As I inch closer to my own Groomsday, here are some of the PROs I can find in both patches of green grass.

MARRIED PROS
1. Have a built in excuse to get out of all other stuff ("I'd love to, but my wife is allergic to charity.")
2. Other women find you more attractive
3. No longer have to focus on getting laid all of the time...or at all.
4. Start taking up hobbies that get you out of the house for long periods of time (Golf, space travel)
5. Start a blog about the marriage process to avoid having real conversation.

SINGLE PROS
1. Everything

So, as you can see, there are more pros to being married (5) than being single (1). Besides, if a Prince can give up all of that Prince-Ass he was getting for one Princess's ass, then how bad can it be?

353 Days Left: Sign here, here, and Initial here.

Other than a few fights about venue, food, rehearsal dinner, weather, my drunk friends, her lack of slutty friends, and an incident with a jet ski, I'd say the trip to Mexico was a moderate success. It's truly mind boggling just how many meetings can be set up, and how many decisions actually need to be made. Up until now the only decisions i ever had to make involving a wedding was "red or white wine, sir?" And, that's not even much of a decision, since the only people who drink white wine are ladies or guys who still legally can't get married in most states.

I have a sick feeling in my stomach, and I don't think I can blame it on Mexico's water filtration system. Now, that places have been selected, and contracts have been signed, it has gone to a new level of "oh shit...this is actully going to happen."

It's the same feeling you get when you realize you are finally going to have sex with a girl for the first time... Only the exact opposite.

Up until now, even after dropping way too much on a ring, everything felt very much the same (minus my savings account). Now, with deposits in play, the game has changed. It's gone from a preseason Minor league game to game 7 in the world series. I have a feeling I won't be getting any fast balls down the middle for a while.

354 Days Left: I do?

I'm sitting here in Mexico, doing my best to avoid the violent drug cartels, while at the same time looking for a tourist-friendly drug dealer. But, that is not the primary reason for my visit. I am here because this is the spot that I will now force my friends and family to travel to, just to see me get married, and eat overpriced cake. I feel guilty having a destination wedding, because I know how I feel when I get that invitation in the mail. I go through this exact inner monologue:

1. He's getting married?
2. Whats her last name? I guess I don't know either of them very well.
3. It's in (tropical destination)
4. Cool
5. That's $2,000 easily
6. What good are my frequent flier miles for anyway?
7. Need an excuse.
8. Fuck it, where's my Amex?

It's the original 8 step wedding boogie. Sorry in advance for making my friends dance.