355 Days Left: Save the Date.

I know that 90% of wedding "must haves" are bullshit add on fees that suckers like you and me get roped into just going along with. However, there may be no bigger waste of money and trees then those stupid SAVE THE DATE cards. It would be like calling someone just to let them know that you will be calling them again soon.

I don't know who makes a living out of writing in coligrifi, but this whole SAVE THE DATE nonsense is keeping their limp writs afloat.

Id rather just receive an extra $5 included in my wedding invitation, rather than another fancy post card to hang on my already over crowded fridge door. I know that wedding addvicates will argue that a save the date is important to give potential guests plenty of time to book flights, get hotels, come up with excuses as to why they "can't" attend, ect, however, if we all accept this save the date as a necessary step in the process, then when will it ever stop?

Save the date for the save the date?

Save the year?

How about saving us all some money, and just be surprised when the invitation comes in the mail, like god and the postmaster general intended.

ON that (postage free) note, I'm off to look at Save The Date Cards. Yes!

356: Days Lefts: Lazy in Mexico

One of the perks of getting married somewhere tropical, is that you get to go there a few times to (insert made up meeting here). Today, I am writing this from Mexico. My girl felt that it was of the upmost importance to come as close to the actual date of our wedding, so that she could check 1321 possible weather conditions that could effectb her hair. She's like one of those storm chasers from the movie Twister, but only collects info on how her hair will be effected.

I on the other hand got the same $18 hair cut I have gotten since I was 15, and as it turns out, no weather has ever effected my locks. I'll check back in from Mexico between the meetings, drinkings, and meetings about drinkings. ADIOS!

357 Days Left: Why I Don't Like Weddings

How does anything with tons of free booze, trays overflowing with snacks and an increased chance of getting laid still suck so bad? It’s a question that can keep you up nights. In the past year, I’ve been to over a dozen weddings (most of them I was even invited to). Friends, family, co-workers, neighbors and complete strangers all felt the need to make me part of their “special day.” And, like the sucker that I am, I fell for it; not once, not twice, but 14 times since this time last year.

Getting a wedding invitation is like getting a $1,000 calligraphy inscribed bill in the mail. Except, when I pay this bill, I don’t get a bunch of points that I can cash in for airline tickets (to go to more damn weddings). The concept of a wedding is great: get a bunch of friends in a room with multiple bars, live music and horny aunts. But, somewhere between the conceptualizing and the flying bouquet of flowers, all weddings end up pretty much the same…horrible.

Here are seven reasons why all weddings stink, even if they have an open bar.

1. The Dress Code

Tuxedos look good on international spies and waiters (and puppies, apparently). There is a reason that no man in history lounges around the house in a tuxedo on Sunday: They are not comfortable. I’m not even talking about the rental wool deal with the pre-stained pants and ill-fitting jacket. My tux is the most expensive piece of clothing in my closet, which makes perfect sense for something that I wear the least and hate putting on.

All weddings have some stupid dress code attached, usually in fine print on the invitation. “Black-Tie Optional,” “Beach Chic,” “Glamorous Attire,” etc. How about “You’re going to spend $1000 to come here, so wear what you find most comfortable while shoving mini crab cakes down your throat” instead? The dress code gets even worse if you are “lucky” enough to be in the wedding party. Then, you get to dress exactly like seven other idiots.

2. The Band

Even “good” wedding bands are not nearly as good as the bands they cover. Sure I can appreciate the work that goes into harmonizing a Lady Gaga song, but I wouldn’t pay to see Miss Gaga in person. So why would I want to see four middle-aged men singing about a poker face?

Historically, wedding bands get a bad rap, but don’t feel too bad for these wanna-glees. In addition to getting to eat what the guests eat, they can make a few hundred grand a year easily. Wedding bands are technically “bands,” but lack all of the cool things that make being in a band worth while. Ever see a wedding band groupie? Exactly. Plus, the overzealous band leader is always trying to drag your ass onto the dance floor when all you want to do is figure out if the bride’s sister is single…and legal.

3. The Dancing

Dancing is for chicks, gay dudes, and John Travolta…so basically, it’s for chicks and gay dudes. It’s not even that the above mentioned band doesn’t motivate me to shake my moneymaker, as much as it is that most people look like complete fools dancing around. And, unlike a club (or discotheque for any Europeans reading this), a wedding dance floor is like a reject jambalaya, full of creepy uncles, 101-year-old grandparents and dangerous toddlers. I for one like to avoid this relative minefield and the accompanying lawsuit that could come with cabbage-patching someone’s great grandmother to death.

Plus, between the couple’s “first dance,” the “father-daughter dance,” the “mother-son dance,” and the “final dance,” weddings have become more like an audition for “So You Think You Can Dance?” then a party.

4. The Gift

Whoever said “there is no such thing as a free lunch,” had definitely been to a wedding. The days of giving $50 bread-makers and thoughtful gifts have gone the way of the virgin bride.

These days, when it comes to a “gift,” the only decision you have to make is cash or check (unless you are Italian, in which case that decision is already made for you). $100? $200? $500? It becomes pretty clear that the “open bar” I was looking forward to just became a cash bar of sorts.

No matter how many of these weddings I go to, I have no idea how much to give. On the bright side, I just bought myself a $300 “Thank You” note. Now if only my bookie accepted “Thank You” notes.

5. The Cake

Spending a few thousand dollars on a cake is like SPENDING A FEW THOUSAND DOLLARS ON A CAKE! I don’t care if my dessert is built like a skyscraper or comes out of a vending machine, but for some ungodly reason, the wedding cake has become more important than the groom.

If your cake is 9 feet tall, then how come the pieces are the size of broken Pringles? I never really eat the cake anyway, but I hate being told to “hurry, hurry they are about to cut the cake.” I didn’t need everyone to gather round when I was cutting into my filet. At 90% of the weddings I’ve been to, the slivers of cake are passed out and picked up so quickly that most people don’t even get a taste of that $10,000 tower of flour.

6. Assigned Seating

The only thing more uncomfortable than a rental cumber bun is making small talk with someone’s distant cousin that you are forced to sit next to for eight courses. Especially when you’ve run out of things to say after course two. Having a pre-assigned seat makes sense at things people actually want to go to like basketball games, concerts and monster truck rallies. At weddings, being stuck at “Table 7” can ruin your night before it even begins. Seats at a wedding should be decided NBA draft style. After all, I’d rather break bread with the freshly single niece from the University of Arizona than the perpetually single niece who is the size of Arizona.

Other than that I am very excited to tie the knot in 358 days.

358 Days Left: Wedding TV Takeover

I've noticed a few changes that have taken place since getting engaged. Primarily, I notice all of the women whom I can't have sex with anymore; but I've also noticed that my TIVO is full of a lot more wedding shows. My first thought is "who the hell would watch a show called 'Say Yes to The Dress'?" My second thought is "where is the delete button, and where is the season of Always Sunny I recorded?"

There are far too many wedding themed shows, movies, (blogs), ect. Don't we all have to go to enough of these things as is? Now, they have found a way to infiltrate my home and TIVO box too.

Between all the Bridezillas, and Wedding Cakeover shows, us guys are running out of patience, and more importantly, TIVO space. To be fair, I've never actually watched one of these shows, but I'm pretty sure I get the gist of it, and I dont like it. The real problem is that while these shows turn our TVs into mini wedding chapels, they also turn our future wives into WEDDING IDEA HOARDERS.

"On WEDDING WARS I saw this..."
"On I DO TO THE SHOE, I saw this..."
"On DATELINE: WEDDING NIGHT MURDER, I saw this..."

We get it. By the time you have to make up your mind about flowers or dresses or murder detectives, you've seen far too much of this stuff to make a timely decision.

Say Yes to the Dress... How about SAY NO TO THE SHOW!

359 Days Left: The word "fiancee" Stinks like French...

I love pretty much everything about my fiancee. I also HATE pretty much everything about the word "fiancee." Didn't we beat the French in enough wars that we can come up with an English word for "a chick you have promised not to cheat on anymore?" The world "fiancee" sounds so aristocratic and stuffy. This is not the royal wedding that I'm planning, nor is my girlfriend royalty, aside from occasionally being a royal pain in the ass.

Yet, it seems like when engaged guys refer to their future wife as anything other than "fiancee," they get the stink eye. Calling you my "girlfriend," "roomate," or "future ex-wife" should be at least partially acceptable.

I don't use the word "fiancee" to describe my girlfriend, in the same way I don't use the world "escargot" every time I see a snail crawling on the sidewalk. It is a stupid word just like "doilies" is for placemat, and "apple" is for a kid's name. Why can't us Americans come up with a better word for the woman who is going to be your wife? Pre-wife, wifeish, or Cock-Block are a good starting place.

I'm not so ethnocentric that I think we need to call French fries "freedom fries," or French toast "delicious," however, how about every time I introduce my pre-wife to someone, I don't need to sound like I'm going to a tea party on the Titanic (which may be a pretty good way to look at a wedding anyway).

360 Days Left: Steak or Fish or Aggravation?

I don't know what I am going to have for lunch today, and that's in the next hour. How am I supposed to know what I feel like eating 360 days from now for dinner? However, that it what I am supposed to be "thinking about" today, because apparently it takes a kitchen full of skilled chefs 350 days to make a steak and a cake on the same night. Why else would they need all of this information so soon?

The food aspect of the wedding was one of the parts i was looking forward to most. I have spent most of my single life using food and drinks to woo and seduce women, and I was looking forward to letting chefs, venues, and caterers, try to seduce me for a change. And, no better way to seduce this guy then with finger sized pigs in a blanket and expensive cuts of meat.

I thought this process of putting together a wedding menu was going to involve lots of people shoveling lots of delicious food into my mouth, while i lazily sat there and gave either a thumbs up or thumbs down (unless i was to lazy, in which case i would just grunt my approval). Unfortunately,  putting together a dinner for an army of friends takes at least a little effort, and a seemingly endless amount of time. So as I head out of here to eat my lunch, (still don't know what it will be), I'll be thinking about what I feel like eating in over 1,000 meal from now.

In case you are wondering, "food" was not an acceptable answer according to my fiancée. Bon Apatite!

Future gold medalist at the Mexican Olympics? 

361 Days Left: "Thank You"... Nots (would you like to buy a vowel?)

The idea of having to sit down and write a handwritten note on a piece over over priced stationary just to let a "friend" of mine know how much I appreciate the decorative vase they sent me, is almost as ludicrous as them thinking that I would actually like a decorative vase. Thank-You notes couldn't be any more obsolete if they were chiseled into a piece of stone or written by dipping a feather into a pool of ink. However, for some unknown reason everyone who gets married is expected to write hundreds of these things. I've been to enough weddings to know how "generous" my check was, or how "thoughtful" my preselected gift from a registry was.

Can't we just all agree that giving a gift shouldn't require the recipient (namely me) to have to reply with a formulaic thank-you note? 

I'm sitting here now with a list of gifts that i have received since getting engaged. Everything from a spice rack to a coffee maker to cash. My "job for the day" is to write a note to the family/friends who sent this stuff to let them know A) That I got it B)That i'll use it C)That I love it and D)That I cant wait to see them at the wedding. Then, all i have to do is plug in the name of the specific gift and repeat until the list in front of me is all crossed off. Should be simple enough, but I couldn't care less. It's not that i'm not appreciative of the gifts, or that i don't care for the people who sent them, it's just that the futile exercise of writing, stamping, and sending a note seems unnecessary. Below is what everyone who gets me anything will receive

Dear (Insert name here):

We really can't thank you enough for the (insert gift here). It is exactly what we ("wanted or "needed" depending on what it is) . We used it just this morning while (insert lie here). We are so excited to see you at the wedding, and thanks again for thinking of us.

Now, please act surprised when you open this in the mail.

362 Days Left: Avoid and Conquer

Today I was able to avoid most of the wedding talk by hiding on a golf course for 8 hours... 5 hours actually playing, and 3 more hours avoiding going home. I thought about stopping to get flowers on the way home but feared this could possibly trigger a 5 hour discussion on what flowers I wanted at the wedding. The truth is, the only thing I know about plants involves either marijuana or Chia Pets. If I had my way, there would be weed growing out of a clay animal on every table. Cheaper and more smokable than orchids.

I am already dreading tomorrow, when I promised to write a few thank you notes for some engagement gifts that have already been returned or broken. Check back then for some more pre wedding thoughts.

363 Days Left: Something Old, New, Borrowed, and Blue Balls

Back in the day, before people got married for legitimate reasons like love, or getting a green card, there was only one reason to get hitched... SEX. Sex is a prety good reason to do lots of things. From cross country flights to $200 sushi dinners, no distance is too far, and no piece of fish is too expensive, as long as it resulted in sex. In a different time, however, it took much more than good moves and/or good credit to get a "lady" in the sack. It took a wedding. Guys looked forward to getting married because it meant that they could start having sex. These days a wedding symbolizes the end of having sex...first with other women, and then eventually with your wife.

It sounds depressing, and maybe it is, but honeymoons are no longer weeklong sex fests, that take place after a ceromony, because your actuall honeymoon period was after your third date, when she finally did something that she "doesn't normally do so soon."

By the time I am legally married, I will have been with the same girl for over 6 years. That's like 60 years in human years. Point being, I don't expect anything to happen on the honeymoon that hasn't happened already. "Now that we are married, here is my third boob I've been saving for you." or "I've been saving my A game until we bilked our friends and family out of fine china."

I am not condoning saving yourself, nor am I implying that we lived in a better world when women had to wait to be married before they could be merry. I'm simply asking when that sex carrot isn't dangling in front of the groom's face, how the hell are we supposed to get down the aisle? Oh that's right, cake.

364 Days Left: The Pre-Anniversary?

I'm not even 24 hours into this little experiment, and I've messed up already. Shocker! Wedding Anniversaries, like the WNBA, were invented by women, for women, and only serve to make men angry. That being said, i at least understand the "significance" of them... It gives old couples something to brag about. But "Pre-Anniversaries?" !?!?!?!?! What kind of bull shit is that? Sounds like a made up holiday, like Secretaries Day or Rosh Hashanah. I'm not even married yet, and I already "forgot" an anniversary.

According to some people (women), The Pre-Anniversary is a special day to celebrate a year until you are officially married.  And, i thought that's what this blog was for. The way I look at it, there will be plenty of things that I will have to muster up fake excitement for. Does it really have to start with a made up holiday that was invented to celebrate another made up holiday?

The Pre-Anniversary falls into a long list of other "PRE"s that stink: PRE-season football, PRE-ejaculation, and PRE-paid cell phones. When did it become OK to celebrate stuff that hasn't happened yet? Women already except us to remember anniversaries of first dates, weddings, days they were born, ect. How are we supposed to also remember actual important dates like when Hangover 2 comes out (May 26th) or to TIVO The Miss Teen USA Pageant (March 11th)?

If any of you ever have to utter the phrase "Happy belated pre-anniversary," I feel for you. On the bright side, only 364 days left. Tic Toc.

A pre-historic pre-anniversary? 

365 Days Left: Let the Countdown Begin

Since my birth, I have been single for exactly 11,418 days, and I only have 365 left (maybe 366 if it's a leap year). Don't get me wrong; I'm excited about getting married, watching my creepy uncle dance with my friends, and getting a bunch of napkin holders that I'll never use, but I'm not so excited about the next 365 days: Fittings, tastings, meetings, fighting, registering, thanking, returning, ect. 


This process is supposed to prepare a couple for a "lifetime of decision making and compromise." I have a feeling, however, that like having prison sex with a large black man,  it's just going to be a giant pain in the ass.

And, lucky you [stranger on the inter-webs], you get to come with me every step of the way. From this moment until the moment I say "I do," you will get a man's perspective on everything from buying an overpriced cake, to cutting my guest list down based on which friends of mine will be most likely not to force sex on my sisters. 

If you are married (or divorced), you've been through this. If you are single (or dating), you'll go through this eventually. If you are gay (or bi-curious), consider yourself lucky that you may never have to go through this. And, if you are my future wife, thank you for letting me share this experience with millions and/or seven people.

365 days until I am officially "off the market." Nights of eating Hot Pockets at 2am for dinner will be replaced with 8pm 5 course meals consisting of foods like baby spinach and pine nuts. Yippee! As, I said before, I am excited about getting married, it's the next year that scares the shit out of me...

...