357 Days Left: Why I Don't Like Weddings

How does anything with tons of free booze, trays overflowing with snacks and an increased chance of getting laid still suck so bad? It’s a question that can keep you up nights. In the past year, I’ve been to over a dozen weddings (most of them I was even invited to). Friends, family, co-workers, neighbors and complete strangers all felt the need to make me part of their “special day.” And, like the sucker that I am, I fell for it; not once, not twice, but 14 times since this time last year.

Getting a wedding invitation is like getting a $1,000 calligraphy inscribed bill in the mail. Except, when I pay this bill, I don’t get a bunch of points that I can cash in for airline tickets (to go to more damn weddings). The concept of a wedding is great: get a bunch of friends in a room with multiple bars, live music and horny aunts. But, somewhere between the conceptualizing and the flying bouquet of flowers, all weddings end up pretty much the same…horrible.

Here are seven reasons why all weddings stink, even if they have an open bar.

1. The Dress Code

Tuxedos look good on international spies and waiters (and puppies, apparently). There is a reason that no man in history lounges around the house in a tuxedo on Sunday: They are not comfortable. I’m not even talking about the rental wool deal with the pre-stained pants and ill-fitting jacket. My tux is the most expensive piece of clothing in my closet, which makes perfect sense for something that I wear the least and hate putting on.

All weddings have some stupid dress code attached, usually in fine print on the invitation. “Black-Tie Optional,” “Beach Chic,” “Glamorous Attire,” etc. How about “You’re going to spend $1000 to come here, so wear what you find most comfortable while shoving mini crab cakes down your throat” instead? The dress code gets even worse if you are “lucky” enough to be in the wedding party. Then, you get to dress exactly like seven other idiots.

2. The Band

Even “good” wedding bands are not nearly as good as the bands they cover. Sure I can appreciate the work that goes into harmonizing a Lady Gaga song, but I wouldn’t pay to see Miss Gaga in person. So why would I want to see four middle-aged men singing about a poker face?

Historically, wedding bands get a bad rap, but don’t feel too bad for these wanna-glees. In addition to getting to eat what the guests eat, they can make a few hundred grand a year easily. Wedding bands are technically “bands,” but lack all of the cool things that make being in a band worth while. Ever see a wedding band groupie? Exactly. Plus, the overzealous band leader is always trying to drag your ass onto the dance floor when all you want to do is figure out if the bride’s sister is single…and legal.

3. The Dancing

Dancing is for chicks, gay dudes, and John Travolta…so basically, it’s for chicks and gay dudes. It’s not even that the above mentioned band doesn’t motivate me to shake my moneymaker, as much as it is that most people look like complete fools dancing around. And, unlike a club (or discotheque for any Europeans reading this), a wedding dance floor is like a reject jambalaya, full of creepy uncles, 101-year-old grandparents and dangerous toddlers. I for one like to avoid this relative minefield and the accompanying lawsuit that could come with cabbage-patching someone’s great grandmother to death.

Plus, between the couple’s “first dance,” the “father-daughter dance,” the “mother-son dance,” and the “final dance,” weddings have become more like an audition for “So You Think You Can Dance?” then a party.

4. The Gift

Whoever said “there is no such thing as a free lunch,” had definitely been to a wedding. The days of giving $50 bread-makers and thoughtful gifts have gone the way of the virgin bride.

These days, when it comes to a “gift,” the only decision you have to make is cash or check (unless you are Italian, in which case that decision is already made for you). $100? $200? $500? It becomes pretty clear that the “open bar” I was looking forward to just became a cash bar of sorts.

No matter how many of these weddings I go to, I have no idea how much to give. On the bright side, I just bought myself a $300 “Thank You” note. Now if only my bookie accepted “Thank You” notes.

5. The Cake

Spending a few thousand dollars on a cake is like SPENDING A FEW THOUSAND DOLLARS ON A CAKE! I don’t care if my dessert is built like a skyscraper or comes out of a vending machine, but for some ungodly reason, the wedding cake has become more important than the groom.

If your cake is 9 feet tall, then how come the pieces are the size of broken Pringles? I never really eat the cake anyway, but I hate being told to “hurry, hurry they are about to cut the cake.” I didn’t need everyone to gather round when I was cutting into my filet. At 90% of the weddings I’ve been to, the slivers of cake are passed out and picked up so quickly that most people don’t even get a taste of that $10,000 tower of flour.

6. Assigned Seating

The only thing more uncomfortable than a rental cumber bun is making small talk with someone’s distant cousin that you are forced to sit next to for eight courses. Especially when you’ve run out of things to say after course two. Having a pre-assigned seat makes sense at things people actually want to go to like basketball games, concerts and monster truck rallies. At weddings, being stuck at “Table 7” can ruin your night before it even begins. Seats at a wedding should be decided NBA draft style. After all, I’d rather break bread with the freshly single niece from the University of Arizona than the perpetually single niece who is the size of Arizona.

Other than that I am very excited to tie the knot in 358 days.