350 Days Left: Tastes Like Chicken

Planning a wedding menu is about as much fun, as taking said menu and giving yourself multiple paper-cuts between your fingers, and then rubbing lemon sorbet on them... which won't be a problem. since you just agreed to have a sorbet bar at your wedding dinner. It's painful enough to come up with passed hor-dourves, appetizers, soups, salads, meal, desserts, ect, without also having to come up with an option for all of your guests who are vegetarian, vegan, kosher, lactose intolerant, have a peanut allergy, sensitivity to gluten, or are just difficult for the sake of being difficult.

In a perfect wedding world, everyone would just get a giant bowl of mystery food, and the waiter would just tell people what they wanted/needed to hear. "This is tofu from Bangladesh, with a peanut-free broth, and was prepared by an army of rabbis from Israel who also hate gluten. Enjoy."

It used to be "Chicken or Fish?" Then it became "Beef, Chicken, or Fish?" These days, it's like you have to come up with 10 different options involving every possible dietary restriction any of your guests or their free-loading dates may possibly have. I'd prefer to go with a SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST mentality. If a guest at my wedding easts a piece of sushi that kills them an hour later while they are cabbage-patching on the dance floor, then it's probably for the betterment of society... and my brunch count the next morning.

360 Days Left: Steak or Fish or Aggravation?

I don't know what I am going to have for lunch today, and that's in the next hour. How am I supposed to know what I feel like eating 360 days from now for dinner? However, that it what I am supposed to be "thinking about" today, because apparently it takes a kitchen full of skilled chefs 350 days to make a steak and a cake on the same night. Why else would they need all of this information so soon?

The food aspect of the wedding was one of the parts i was looking forward to most. I have spent most of my single life using food and drinks to woo and seduce women, and I was looking forward to letting chefs, venues, and caterers, try to seduce me for a change. And, no better way to seduce this guy then with finger sized pigs in a blanket and expensive cuts of meat.

I thought this process of putting together a wedding menu was going to involve lots of people shoveling lots of delicious food into my mouth, while i lazily sat there and gave either a thumbs up or thumbs down (unless i was to lazy, in which case i would just grunt my approval). Unfortunately,  putting together a dinner for an army of friends takes at least a little effort, and a seemingly endless amount of time. So as I head out of here to eat my lunch, (still don't know what it will be), I'll be thinking about what I feel like eating in over 1,000 meal from now.

In case you are wondering, "food" was not an acceptable answer according to my fiancée. Bon Apatite!

Future gold medalist at the Mexican Olympics?