339 Days Left: BRIDESMAIDS!

I'm not going to take full credit, but what are the odds that just a few weeks after this blog started, a wedding themed movie came out and is destroying at the box office? The major difference between Groomsday Clock and Bridesmaids (minus the fact that I am doing this for free), is that Groomsday Clock is written from a man's perspective, while Bridesmaids was written by women, for women (and P whipped guys). The point here is that no matter if you are a man or a women, on the big screen or in real life, weddings make funny shit happen. Case and point...

Earlier today I got an e-mail from the place that my future wife has brainwashed me into wanting to get married at (she didn't like my idea of the roller rink). The e-mail was a bill for the recent food tasting we had there. I know I ate a hell of a lot of food, but i had no idea until i saw it itemed and 20% added on top. I THOUGHT FOOD TASTINGS WERE FREE!!!!!!

Isn't this the one thing that women hold over us while we listen to flower hour, and agree to take a dance lesson. "Just wait 'til the food tasting. It's all of the food you've ever wanted...and it's free!"

I've got a $500 bill that says it isn't free. After looking into this matter, it turns out that to many hotels were getting burned by fake wedding couples who would scam a free tasting and then never return. Put that in the column of great ideas, i wish i had thought of first. What used to be hours of endless lobster tails and passed appetizers  for little more than a handshake is now ONE OF THE MOST EXPENSIVE MEALS I'VE EVER HAD. Had i known, i wouldn't have gone fourths on that truffle wrapped truffle full of caviar crusted gold pieces.

Wedding food is usually very expensive, and seldom very good. Most weddings i go to, end with me in some sort of fast food restaurant at 4AM feeling over dressed, and under fed. Can't we jut go with a 1920's theme wedding and hand out loafs of bread to all of the guests? I'd love to go on, but i have to find a second job to pay for that "free" tasting. 

"Till death or one of our nannies do us part." "I do."

350 Days Left: Tastes Like Chicken

Planning a wedding menu is about as much fun, as taking said menu and giving yourself multiple paper-cuts between your fingers, and then rubbing lemon sorbet on them... which won't be a problem. since you just agreed to have a sorbet bar at your wedding dinner. It's painful enough to come up with passed hor-dourves, appetizers, soups, salads, meal, desserts, ect, without also having to come up with an option for all of your guests who are vegetarian, vegan, kosher, lactose intolerant, have a peanut allergy, sensitivity to gluten, or are just difficult for the sake of being difficult.

In a perfect wedding world, everyone would just get a giant bowl of mystery food, and the waiter would just tell people what they wanted/needed to hear. "This is tofu from Bangladesh, with a peanut-free broth, and was prepared by an army of rabbis from Israel who also hate gluten. Enjoy."

It used to be "Chicken or Fish?" Then it became "Beef, Chicken, or Fish?" These days, it's like you have to come up with 10 different options involving every possible dietary restriction any of your guests or their free-loading dates may possibly have. I'd prefer to go with a SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST mentality. If a guest at my wedding easts a piece of sushi that kills them an hour later while they are cabbage-patching on the dance floor, then it's probably for the betterment of society... and my brunch count the next morning.

360 Days Left: Steak or Fish or Aggravation?

I don't know what I am going to have for lunch today, and that's in the next hour. How am I supposed to know what I feel like eating 360 days from now for dinner? However, that it what I am supposed to be "thinking about" today, because apparently it takes a kitchen full of skilled chefs 350 days to make a steak and a cake on the same night. Why else would they need all of this information so soon?

The food aspect of the wedding was one of the parts i was looking forward to most. I have spent most of my single life using food and drinks to woo and seduce women, and I was looking forward to letting chefs, venues, and caterers, try to seduce me for a change. And, no better way to seduce this guy then with finger sized pigs in a blanket and expensive cuts of meat.

I thought this process of putting together a wedding menu was going to involve lots of people shoveling lots of delicious food into my mouth, while i lazily sat there and gave either a thumbs up or thumbs down (unless i was to lazy, in which case i would just grunt my approval). Unfortunately,  putting together a dinner for an army of friends takes at least a little effort, and a seemingly endless amount of time. So as I head out of here to eat my lunch, (still don't know what it will be), I'll be thinking about what I feel like eating in over 1,000 meal from now.

In case you are wondering, "food" was not an acceptable answer according to my fiancée. Bon Apatite!

Future gold medalist at the Mexican Olympics?