GROOMSDAY CLOCK IS BEING RE-SET

337 Days Left: "Congratulations"

After getting engaged, lots of people say "Congratulations." Why? All I did was spend more money then I have on an over-priced shiny finger cuff. People should say "Ouch" or "I'm sorry." Getting engaged is not "congratulations worthy." Getting a new 60" 3D HD TV, however...

Women congratulate each other because no woman wants to be alone, old, and  have to kill spiders by herself. For women, getting engaged is like acquiring an exterminator, security system, repair man, and sky-cap, all in one.

  "Congratulations" are in order when you first have sex with your girl, when you find out she's not actually pregnant (just bad sushi), when she is actually pregnant (when on purpose), and when you get a house with enough rooms for your single friends to freeload at. Other than that, let's all go easy on the CONGRATULATIONS.

"What are the odds he's also a Dirty Dancing buff?" 

338 Days Left: Mess with the Dress

I don't understand female fashion. I don't know what rompers are, who though high-waisted pants looked good on anyone who wasn't standing in flood waters. I have spent most of my life tryin to convince girls to take their clothes off, and I have spent little time actually caring about what they put on. When it comes to wedding clothes, I could care even less. If you looked at photos from 20 different weddings, you would have no idea who was at which wedding, because everyone looks the exact same. It's like a bunch of drunk penguins attempting to mate with women in puffy dresses.

The wedding dress may be the single dumbest piece of clothing ever invented (and that includes jorts, suspenders, and fanny packs). This one dress, that can only be worn one time, makes our women look like parade floats, costs more then everything in our closet combined, and leads to more boring conversations than CSPAN.

Any guy who has ever been a part of a wedding dress conversation is either very board or very very gay. I'd rather my future wife walked down the aisle in a bikini, so we could use that photo as a beramator to make sure things don't fall apart post wedding. I'm pretty sure the wedding dress was created to hide your bride, and add 20 lbs of ruffles to her ass, so you have no idea if she is slipping over the years.

Aside from all of the obvious cosmetic foolishness of a wedding dress, the thing involves more appointments then a sports car from the 30s. First fitting, seeking fitting, final fitting, day of fitting... I've worn hundreds of things in my life, ranging from suits to hollowen costumes, and never been fitted ever. But, this one dress gets stitched up more than Chaz Bono's genitles. I just don't get it...and according to my soon-to-be I "never will."

"Who Cares Bingo, anyone?"

339 Days Left: BRIDESMAIDS!

I'm not going to take full credit, but what are the odds that just a few weeks after this blog started, a wedding themed movie came out and is destroying at the box office? The major difference between Groomsday Clock and Bridesmaids (minus the fact that I am doing this for free), is that Groomsday Clock is written from a man's perspective, while Bridesmaids was written by women, for women (and P whipped guys). The point here is that no matter if you are a man or a women, on the big screen or in real life, weddings make funny shit happen. Case and point...

Earlier today I got an e-mail from the place that my future wife has brainwashed me into wanting to get married at (she didn't like my idea of the roller rink). The e-mail was a bill for the recent food tasting we had there. I know I ate a hell of a lot of food, but i had no idea until i saw it itemed and 20% added on top. I THOUGHT FOOD TASTINGS WERE FREE!!!!!!

Isn't this the one thing that women hold over us while we listen to flower hour, and agree to take a dance lesson. "Just wait 'til the food tasting. It's all of the food you've ever wanted...and it's free!"

I've got a $500 bill that says it isn't free. After looking into this matter, it turns out that to many hotels were getting burned by fake wedding couples who would scam a free tasting and then never return. Put that in the column of great ideas, i wish i had thought of first. What used to be hours of endless lobster tails and passed appetizers  for little more than a handshake is now ONE OF THE MOST EXPENSIVE MEALS I'VE EVER HAD. Had i known, i wouldn't have gone fourths on that truffle wrapped truffle full of caviar crusted gold pieces.

Wedding food is usually very expensive, and seldom very good. Most weddings i go to, end with me in some sort of fast food restaurant at 4AM feeling over dressed, and under fed. Can't we jut go with a 1920's theme wedding and hand out loafs of bread to all of the guests? I'd love to go on, but i have to find a second job to pay for that "free" tasting. 

"Till death or one of our nannies do us part." "I do."

340 Days Left: A New Week A New To Do List

This past weekend was pretty much wedding free, but I have jam packed fun-filled wedding week ahead. ("Jam-packed fun-filled" probably means exhausting. Putting over a year of planning into one night is like spending an entire year learning how to play the piano, and then playing one song, and being done with it. But, who am i to argue with this process? That's right, i'm the guy with the wedding blog. Check back later this week for updates on band selection, food, and the all important... wedding color scheme (or color scam, as it should be called). 

"I hope she's not that furry down there."

343 Days Left: What He is Really Thinking?

"I hope this fishy smell is coming from the ocean"

"I will never look back and regret this phase of my life"

"These cats look delicious" 

"I'm so glad she went with the colors white and poop."

"I got dibs on my cousin."

"You think this weather is miserable, just wait til your married."  

" I thought the teal shoes would distract from my fat wife." 

"How long do I have to pretend to dance until she'll blow me?"

"I probably could have bought a 60" TV with this money."

"I can't wait to read your sign when we're having gay sex later."

345 Days Left: I Had a Dream

I may not be nearly as historically significant as Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., however, I too have dreams, and last night was a doozy. As I was laying beside my future bride (who wears ear plugs to avoid my snoring), I was Inception layer 5 deep into a dream about my wedding. Everyone was there, even all of the friends who i won't invite. As I was walking down the aisle, i tripped, and fell into a black hole. As I was falling through this dark endless tunnel, I awoke. Weird?

It got me thinking that if you can't die in a dream, and you can't get married in a dream... is it one in the same? Not that marriage is the same thing as getting run over by a truck (one is virtually painless), but that your single self does die the moment you get hitched. Many of my married friends are happy, (others are already divorced... and even happier), but there is always something slightly different about them. It's like eating at a McDonald's in America verses in another country. All of the ingredients are pretty much the same, but it just tastes slightly different.

I don't want my single self to die. I like my single self. Is it possible to be married, yet single at the same time? I'm not talking about just sex, but that twinkle in your [single] penis, the way you walk, talk, drink, hang-out. Does it all disappear on the wedding day? At the risk of sounding like that horsey chick from Sex in The City, how can a man keep his single spirit alive, while being married? That will be my ultimate goal...that, and never referencing Sex in the city again...ever.

Tonight Mr. Wiggles will be the transportation & the entrée.